It's our party, we can do, say and love what and who we want.

There I was, sipping my freshly brewed latte, when I was unconsciously bopping my head for a bit as the beat of the music finally caught my attention. "So la da di da di, we like to party" kept ringing in my ears. My head tilted from side to side like a dog, poised, having heard a strange noise. "Who's singing this song?" The TV, spotting a young woman wearing all white, finally caught my eyes and with a mighty effect, my jaw dropped to chest level, I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. The young woman was twerking her *** off, tongue hardly inside the mouth, fingers were cut, oozing with strawberry flavoured paint, making out with a doll, everything was just so WRONG. What happened to Miley Cyrus? Miley had finally embraced the walrus in her.

I was in a state of shock, I mean, this is Miley, the girl with the slightly bucked tooth is now making sexual and suggestive movements. Sure, you only live once, and this is a transition from a Disney princess to an adult artist. Sure, no one's perfect and you are bound to make mistakes. Sure, you are an adult now, and choices are yours to make. I couldn't and shouldn't care less about it. 

Then, to my horror, I started to have these poundings in my head. Across my table, are some teens, imitating her, tongues rolling in the air like a bizarre anteater. This, I cannot take! This is Hannah Montana after all, her fan-base (or ex, might I add) were that of young girls (or boys, for all it matters). Whatcha thinking GIRL? Your pixie cut hair is just a bad taste, and so are the life you are living now. I repeat, IT DOES NOT WORK! What you just did is just blasting your squeaky clean images off. 

Sigh... Things like these always go mainstream. You can live your life however you may desire, but please... You don't have to show it to the world. What next? You going bald? Getting naked and spreading your legs in the air? New sexual images/videos 'leaked'? One wrong move, you will end up like missy Lindsay Lohan. Well, maybe that might put you through all the attention you want.             

Losing...

One question that I kept and probably will keep on pondering: "Am I a failure?"

"Perhaps not!" my heart would say. We have to see success and failure from various angles before jumping to conclusion. Failure to us, maybe a great success for others. It depends on how we look at it.

But to me, I feel like a complete failure. People had this grand expectation of me... That... I have this ability or power to change people. I can do so much but I can only that much. "With great power, comes great responsibility."

I may have achieved certain aspects of life that I should pat myself on the back, but what use are they if I'm driving away all my love ones?  

I've lost grip of the person that I love. I've lost my best friend. I've lost my dignity. I've lost my freedom. Soon, I will lose my niece and nephew. What more will be taken away from me? Health? Hope? Love? Respect? And of course, obviously youth and my mother.  

I am in God's hand just as everybody is. If I were to receive such fates, who am I to go against that will?

It is just that I miss my grandmother. And I miss my best friend. And I have the feeling that I'm going to miss the old me. Every time I try to tighten my grip, I seem to lose grip of my love. I am fighting a losing battle here...

The future...

A lot has changed lately.

A lot has been taken away from me.

A lot... 

If this keeps up, the future is dark. 

I have nothing to lose now... I'm clinging to dear life and pride has nothing to do with it. 

Heat

It's march the 3rd, Im FTanCY. And this heat wave has made everyone crazy. 

Heat expands. Melts things. Make things boil. Sets thing on fire. 

In sync with all this heat around me, pointed out this blatant way how my life wasn't expanding.That I was stuck. Single. Alone. Left wondering...

Maybe It's Just You

It’s funny how the world changes sometimes.

How the streets you walked your entire life suddenly seemed darker... Colder....

How the silence isn’t so quite anymore.

How eyes you’ve barely even noticed, now look at nothing but you.

How the walk home is no longer routine, but a victory. And then you begin to wonder

Maybe it’s not the world that’s changed. Maybe it’s just you...

Looking at one perspective

I realized why I liked being a teacher. And still liking it. Which is an overstatement, considering that I’m just being employed for about a month or so. But seriously, I like being address Mr Tan or teacher or Master Tan or even Monster Tan, for all it matters.

It  is good to know that, there are people left in this world that could/would look up to you, inspired by you, scared of you, shaped by you, learned something from you. At least, in their eyes, I was someone- respectable, knowledgeable, and commendable. Kids… are just so pure, so innocent, so naïve, easy to please (well, to a certain extent), easy to distract and so full of life.

  

At the very least, you don’t see spite in their eyes or them, looking down and breathing down your neck like an angry bull. At least, when I’m with them, I’m very happy to see those happy faces looking up to you. That, there’s still hope. That, it’s not the apocalypse (yet) when half of the people in the world are those who judge you, look down upon you, hate you. That the other half, are the people who are there to accept you readily and open-armed.

I love my job.

Most sincerely,

Tan.    

The Start of A New Season

Hi all, it's winter here in the UK and the snow's falling like there's no tomorrow... It's almost the end of a season and I'm just wishing that it's warm and cosy here. Everything is just blistering cold. Sigh... BOO, fooled ya!! For a second there, you almost believed me right? (At least one of you do (If there's anyone reading this, that is)). I must say, being unemployed does not seem to match with my expectations. Here's why:

My expectation of being unemployed:

• Everyday will be boring as hell cause you're so free.
• I can play all the pending games whenever and wherever I want.
• I have more time to exercise (yes, your eyes did not deceive you. E.X.E.R.C.I.S.E)
• Penniless 
• Have more time to read more.

The reality of being unemployed:

• None of the above is true. LOL

One: My everyday was not boring at all as I HAVE BEEN ENTRUSTED WITH FAR TOO MANY ERRANDS.

Two: I haven't been playing any of the games. T^T My wish to finish at least 3 games while being unemployed has now been destroyed. 

Three: No exercise, don't bother, don't care no more. LOL

Four: This surprises me Cause I was not broke at all considering I've never asked for any money from the parents nor do they give me any. (A note for all the ladies out there. I don't go putting money down the drain.   I should at least be desirable to you girls in that sense, right?)

Five: Huhu... Need I say more? 

Well, the only thing that matches with my expectation during this "holiday" is that I can sleep and wake up whenever I want. 

Now then, why did I write 'the start of a new season' for the heading earlier on did I hear you ask? My new year resolution? AHAHAHA of course not, silly! It's too late for that. Well, the reason being is that I've received a call from JSS saying that I need to attend a briefing held for tomorrow morning. With that, I personally think that I will be working very soon enough. And so, it's finally time for me to turn over a new leaf. Swoosh*  

We survived!

The year 2012 has been a paranoid year for me. Why paranoid, I hear you saying? Ah alas, thank you for asking... Well, I for one was doing my masters degree abroad in the United Kingdom... OHH beautiful beautiful country! Please, if you have the chance to go there, don''t mind if you do! Ermm..., as I was saying, doing my masters degree in a foreign land really 'socratise' myself. I've done a lot of worrying and yielded a lot of "What ifs" within that time. You know: "What if I flung my dissertation?" "What if there's a problem and I can't graduate?" "What if my money's stolen during my Euro trip?" "What if the London 2012 olympics was a huge Illuminati conspiracy and the whole of UK's blown up?" "What if the Mayan's prediction turned out to be true?" There you go, paranoia at its best LOL. But we're still here; roaming the land of Aurvandils (Don't bother to look it up. it's fictional), riding the fiercest storm and torrential rain in the sea and enjoying the sweeping wind along your face in a bird riding session. HAH! Call me childish, but I prefer to be called Imaginative. 

The year of 2012 has been eventful. Loving my UK moments with my loves (my house mates), and the euro trip was full of experience (be it good or vice versa; I feel like I have to say this, but I'm not going to set foot to Paris again.) Answering the above what ifs, it turned out that I passed (barely) my dissertation which was a big relief considering how upset I was when I handed it in and graduated with my Masters qualification. Proud was I, you have no idea. Ooh ooh, and most of my money were safe during the Euro trip up until Paris. Long story, don't ask, moving on... Umm, I don't know whether the London's Olympics was a conspiracy or what, but everything's still standing in Stansted AH, feel stupid after all that effort of googling and youtube-ing these so called 'bombings'. And the most epic of them all, turns out that the Mayan's prediction was not true (I'm referring to the world apocalypse that were to happen on the 21st December 2012). Considering the panic across Brunei when the people heard about the rumour (which was remotely the same as an elephant is to a crocodile), I was glad the world did not end.

That aside, I just wanna congratulate my mates I met in Japan, Mr Roel Sharp and Miss Geok Lan Quah who's engage to each other, for which I just found out 5days late (Talk about a week late newspaper.) Nevertheless, I am extremely pleased to hear the surprise (See, we had no idea). Say... Speaking of marriage, I am turning 27 this year and I've yet to find my other half. A lot has been pestering me (nosy nosy) about it and I am sick to my deathbed, just by listening to them ranting for hours and hours of endless, super annoying advice. Fuh, I've said it. I know, friends and relatives are moving away from what I call the "super-awesome-single-life" but mind..., you are entering a new phase of life, so stop prying on others'. If I am in the stage of desperado as I am not now, I'll be utilising the shenanigans at my expense, if you know what I mean.  But pray that this will cease to happen.

So (ahem), My point of writing this is to bold yourself up and face the 'inevitable' with a boxing gloves and an attitude on. The ups and downs in life shall continue to crash down onto your head, whether or not, are you ready to face it. 

Last but NOT least, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!           

Back to where everything started.

Hilo!

Herm... Just a few updates:

1. I've completed my masters degree. (I'm not a student anymore (  = _ ='''))
2. I'm back in Brunei for good. (To make a proper contribution)
3. I miss UK so much. (Beats me. That place's awe-so-some!)
4. I'm waiting to be called for work. (who doesn't?)
5. I'm due for graduation this December. (Can't wait to get back to the UK, really).

And so yeah. I'm back to where everything started.

WHY?

What is there to live for? What are certainties? What are not? Why do we live? Why do we die? Why are people so different? Why can't we live in unity? Why do we have different perception? Why am I fighting? Why? Why why why why why why?

Don't bother to tell me why. I am not that worth it!

The hidden.

It's funny how people question the use of social network to express their feeling. I for once, posted (re-posted actually) a status from someone that says: "If u have a problem, face it, not facebook it." But now that I know the feeling, I do post my feeling on Facebook or Twitter or in Path. I mean, what's wrong with that? When you feel like expressing it, why not? Would you rather bottle it and let it explode at the wrong time in a wrong situation?  I guess posting it for others to read is one way of making you feel "We heard you". True, if you have a problem, you should face it rather than posting it. But in a way I think, the first step to remedy these problems is through acceptance. If you accept the fact that you have a problem, then you would accept the fact that you should do something about it. When you accept the fact that you failed your exam, you will learn to accept that, "if I continue to be this depressed, I can never take a step further".  

So I've posted in my path, my facebook and my twitter page: "The hidden :)"

For my status in my whatsapp, I made it a little less ambiguous by saying: "Behind this hearty laugh, lies a deluge of sadness." 

Truthfully, I am sad. But I refused to succumb to tears. Tears is a sign of weakness. Instead, I showered everyone with laughter to show strength. People have no idea, I've lied to them.

But... Why would they care? If they knew I lied, errr... so? I might've fooled them, but the biggest fool of them all is myself. I myself is the victim of my action. The lie has no implication on anyone but on myself. Therefore I have to accept the fact that I'm not happy and I should move on. There's no use crying over spilt milk. It won't come back. Instead, wipe away the mess and pour yourself another glass. 

There, there... All the better. :)

So If you do have a problem, do FACEBOOK it, then FACE it and FREE the burden off your chest.  

P.S: this is also another way of making you feel heard. 

What I would like to become...

When I was a child, I dreamed of becoming many things; a violinist, a meteorologist, a scientist, a truck driver, a singer but, above all, my ambition was to become a teacher. I remembered that as a kid, I viewed teacher as someone who knows about everything, someone who solves problem easily and someone who has the authority to tell you off or to boss you around. But as I entered secondary school, I soon had forgotten about my dream in becoming a teacher. 

My interest shifted to become a geologist as geography was my favourite subject. By the end of my secondary level, I was determined to pursue it as my career and took geography, chemistry and physics when I entered the sixth form. However, since mathematics is not my strength, I was performing rather badly in school at this stage. I left the school with just 2 ‘A’s and decided to try my luck by applying to our two local institutions.  I applied to a HND in accounting in one institution and diploma in primary education in the other. I was hoping to land myself in the accounting department as, rumours had it that fresh graduate will have a small glimmer of hope for getting a job, especially those who endeavoured for teaching as a profession. I was left crestfallen again when I was not admitted into the accounting department and left with no choice but to take the teaching course.

Nonetheless, prior to entering the university, my niece was born. For several months or so, I baby-sitted her. I taught her how to count and taught her how to sing the ABC’s. I discovered that there was so much pleasure in ‘coaching’ her. I was there the whole time when she metamorphosed from “I don’t know how to count” to someone who could say “one, two, three” with her fingers. I was proud of her as I was proud of me. Then out of the blue, I was struck by my own memory. I remembered that I made a promise to become a teacher when I grew up. I entered the university with an open mind and a new vow: to become the best teacher as possible.

For 4 and half years, we’ve learned various theories, teaching methods and strategies. It was the final four months of my degree that we put that theories, methods and strategies into practice. Naturally, there were times when the methods we used either worked or foiled but that is one of those time when we learned from our mistakes. After the teaching practice, I graduated from the university with an upper secondary classification and I was never proud of me ever. Dreams do come true after all.

Now, here comes a million dollar question: “What would I like to be as a future teacher?” In my head, I keep saying to myself that I would like to be the teacher who is well-respected by their pupils but still maintained a good rapport. I would like to be a teacher who students will look up to or someone whom they could trust with their problems. However, this I believe does not make up of a successful teacher.    

           Yes that is what I want to become; a successful teacher. A teacher who can think outside of the box and outside of the classroom and also someone who makes classroom experiences enjoyable and memorable. I would like to become a teacher who is flexible and unexpected but also confident and is not afraid to make mistakes and explore various teaching methods. A sense of humour would also be a good extra in the package. But of all that I have listed above, I think the most important trait that a successful teacher (and ultimately, what I should have) should possess is the positive attitude towards learning, the curiosity and also the honesty in their self-reflection. A teacher would have the acceptance that they too are human and just as any human would, they do mistakes.

           Of course, as evident from my teaching practice, being all that will consume a lot of ‘high maintenance’ and would be very difficult to ‘walk the talk’. Nonetheless, in my opinion, if a teacher set a particular expectation on themselves, it would be easier for them to move towards that goal. Unsurprisingly, if we are to be realistic, we could not have been all of that, but for the sake of our younger generation and also for the future, we as the ‘education engineer’ will have to make the best of it.  

Crying...

Crying isn't going to solve anything... 

BooHoo. :'(

2011, you shall be missed!

YO blog! 

Two more days to new year. Any new resolution? I haven't get to decide mine, since I had not achieved the resolutions I made for year 2011. Perhaps I shall carry those forward to year 2012. 

Phew... 2011 huh? Hmm, What have I missed? Basically nothing. I'm still alive and breathing and are still fit to roam the land of the Earth. 2011 has been a memorable journey for me. Let's pretend that we're in a sci-fi movie and the ceiling, the walls and the floor are just one big screen that would just whorl as the scene changes. Ready? Set... GO!

At the beginning of the year, granddad from me mam's side was seriously ill. So ill, that he lost weight and we barely recognised him. It's so lucky that we still have you Grandpop!

Then Shortly after, I had my TP! Great experience! Felt like I've became a major protagonist in a tiny village of dwarves. I love the kids and most potently, They LOVE me! Of course, not everyday is sunny. I had those occasional moments where it's cloudy, windy or even stormy! My particular memorable one was with one of my favourite boys! (If you're not sure of the story, refer back to my older posts). However towards the end of TP, I had a lot of work to do, and it somewhat took a toll on me. LOL Anyhow, moving on!

Right after I finished my TP, somewhere around May, we received a bad news about my grandpop living in Perlis. We've received intelligence that he had passed on. Mom and dad had just came back from the West Malaysia, and they'd insisted him to live with us. But then, he declined. Ah well, there's nothing we can do about it. Fate is in the hands of god. If I were to die now, I would! Although I have so little memory with him, but his blood (along with others) still courses through my veins. Family will always be family, no matter what or how far you're separated.  

When  I returned, our TP results were out. My hopes were high and never had I anticipated so much in my life. I was bummed when I got a B+. So devastated that I cried. But I was glad of my GK family and my mom for supporting me through and through. After the news sank in, I told myself: " B+ is not so bad after all"

Then things started to get busy. Me and Dayang had to rush up and down to UBD, MOE and also to James Hon for our masters application. And I had to tend to my aunt (who came back with us) and I had to please her every now and then. I tell you, the day when we bade her goodbye, I practically whopped in the airport. Mind you, people were starring but I couldn't care less. Now,

September came, I had my silver jubilee and ladida dida. Ugh, Come now, let's move on. Let's not dwell in something that's as finite as age, will ya? Oh by the way, the day my aunt went back to Malaysia was the best birthday present I could ever get. I'm mean, I know, but you don't know you're talking about. Try living with her and you would hand me a box of tissue out of empathy.

Then the big day came, I got my SECOND UPPER DEGREE in B.A in Primary Education. I was uber proud of myself and it has been hard work (and lots of procrastination too). 5 years man, 5 FREAKING LONG years. But I reaped what I sow. I stuck to what I vowed when I hand in the application form. The certificate I hold is for you mom! And I hope you're proud and happy of me! :'D Oh, And then I graduated from UBD. I remember I was rather emo sitting at the back seat of our car. "There couldn't be anything else that would make me any happier", I said to myself. And I STAND CORRECTED (or maybe sit corrected, LOL). I received a news that I, along with the others had been granted a full scholarship for pursuing my Masters degree.   

Skipping the misfortunate event dealing with the scholarship, everything was a complete mess. I had half- a mind to withdraw but considering that I'd worked too hard to get this far, I swallowed the medicine whole. And look where the others and I are now... Never had I dreamed that I would go this far. 

So blog, considering that I've written this 400 years worth of reading essay, I hope you've forgiven me for not visiting you. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a 4000 words assignment to write on. What a good way of spending my holiday and new year, huh? Nonetheless, wish me all the best. ;D Till we meet again someday. 

  

Mother...

Mother...

You brought light into my life,

You are the sustenance and the warmth that I need,

You moved heavy mountains off my chest,

You nag with guidance... In hope that I would be the best. 

But then mother, you are the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I hope you are proud of me as I'm proud of you... 

I miss you and I longed for you. 

And I will pray for your health.

LOVE, from your homesick son. :'(

My silver jubilee

Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to Tan Chun Yang,
Happy birthday to me! :)

Dear blog...

Dear blog,

it's been a while since I've dropped by. I hope you are fine. A lot has changed in the past few months. But I am still the same old me. The same obese, fat-loving bastard who can't be helped anymore. Yep that's me. No need to consider my feelings. I'm no human afterall. All the fats in me are blocking all the insinuation right back at ya.

So dear blog, give me your best critisicm. I'm sure I won't bite. :)

I'm also...

I'm also a human. There are times when I feel inadequate. Enuf said. :'(

Result....

Result is out... I got a B+. For once, I never longed for an A this badly. Most of the GK members got an A. I'm so happy for them. 

Normally, I would be smiling from ear to ear hearing that I got a B+. Nonetheless, this time I was rather sad. Sad, would be an understatement. Like I said, never had I ever feel so longing to score an A in my overall result.  I did my very best, I tried my hardest, I barely slept just to get an A. But I still score a B. Perhaps it's fate. 

Perhaps my father is speaking the truth? That I'm never gonna be exceptional. That I never be able to surpass my own self. That I will forever be, as he said it countless of time: "stupid". Am i not challenging myself hard enough? Am I not ambitious enough? Am I weak? 

The thought is killing me... 

Where's my soulmate?

My apologies for the long absence. After all, absence only make the heart grow fonder, is it not? Of late, I've been in a strange mood and I can't quite put my fingers on it. Imagine me going to see a psychiatrist and weren't able to tell him the problem. 

Oh well, until I know what or who or when or which or why the culprit's bugging me, I want to share a song lyric with you. I've always been a fan of Natasha Bedingfield and this song hit home of what I ALWAYS feel. So here goes:

SOULMATE: NATASHA BEDINGFIELD

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'Cause someone's bound to hear my cry

Speak out if you do, you're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr(s). Lovable is already in my life?
Right in front of me or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit?
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Oh, somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If you've never heard of the song, I suggest you go to youtube and start searching the song. :)